I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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