at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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