Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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