It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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