Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
