You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
