So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
