i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
