Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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