I am puke
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
