i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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