I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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