The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
