JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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