I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
