Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
this hospital has no fireball
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
