i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
