haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
