I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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