and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
