the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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