he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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