Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
