I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
