I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
