If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
