NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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