Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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