he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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