She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
