this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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