I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
