I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
