Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
