1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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