there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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