Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i wish my penis had a tongue
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
