What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
