Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Everclear isn't food dammit
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I have tasted many bathrooms
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
