So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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