two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
