I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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