I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
