That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
