I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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