Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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