Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
