Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
