Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
