I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
