omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
