Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
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You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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