I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I intend to get homeless drunk
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
