last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
