I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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