Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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