she takes plan B like it's going out of style
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
